Picture Them Naked???

When you’re honest enough to admit to being nervous before a reading, you’re often told by well-meaning people to “Just picture the audience naked.”

OK, so has this really worked for anyone? I mean, come on. The last thing I need standing on stage in front of a bunch of strangers is to start imagining their, well… shortcomings. Maybe this method works for politicians – they set out to screw us all anyway, and the naked part works with that, right? But writers have imaginations that swirl and flit all over the place, and we hardly need to be told to imagine things, especially not when we’re trying to appear focused and sane.

So, here’s my advice to those of you out there who fear public speaking or don’t think you’re any good at it (and that’s almost everyone, right?). I still get nervous, even doing all these things, but at least I don’t vomit anymore when I have to get up in front of a crowd and read or speak.

1) Practice, practice, practice. And then practice some more. Out loud, in front of people, over and over again, until you could just about recite the piece from memory.

2) Before you start your reading, look up at the audience and smile. You have no idea how many people don’t do this, and then wonder why they couldn’t connect with the audience.

3) Breathe, slowly and deeply, for just a pause before you start. I have a tendency to take short quick breaths when I’m nervous – I think most people do – and if I don’t slow it down I’m in danger of hyperventilating.

4) Say something, anything, to break the ice. To humanize yourself. But don’t admit to being nervous. If you do, the audience will sympathize, yes, but they’ll also then be aware of your fear the whole reading, and you don’t really want sympathy, do you? You want an audience who gets lost in your work.

5) Slow down. No matter how slowly you think you’re reading, you’re probably going too fast. And try to look up occasionally during the reading instead of keeping your head down and eyes glued to the paper. This will help you connect with the audience and will also help to slow you down.

6) Do not, I repeat, do not, go on too long. KISS – keep it short, stupid. Personally I think anything longer than 10 – 15 minutes is too long, but that might just be because that’s the maximum amount of time I can sit still. At any rate, always leave them wanting more.

7) If there’s a funny part in your book or story, read that. People love humor. But make sure it really is funny. Nothing’s more painful than a joke that goes flat.

8) And don’t read anything that takes a whole lot of set-up. Just find some place in your work that stands alone. I don’t want a synopsis of your novel; I just want to be enchanted by a (short) reading.

9) If all else fails, use medication. Half an hour to 45 minutes before you’re scheduled to go on. Nothing too strong: xanax works best, leaves you less spacey than clonapin or valium (not that I would know).

The more you do it, the easier it gets, I swear. Oh yeah, and one more thing: if you do insist on picturing the audience naked during your reading, at least try not to giggle. Unexplained giggling during a reading is just weird.

Some Random Stuff I Learned at KWLS

My lofty intention this week was to summarize the Key West Literary Seminar, in 500 words or less. I really had no idea before going just how impossible a task that would be. I’m still trying to process it all myself. So instead of giving you a blow by blow of all the panels, etc, I’m going to offer up just a few of the things I learned this past week.

1) The cardinal sin in fiction is to bore the reader. I honestly can’t remember who said it (it was on the first day, which seems so long ago) but it really resonated with me. Sure, it should go without saying, but how many perfectly competent books have you started reading only to put them down after the first few pages because they couldn’t hold your interest?

2) Don’t close off possibilities in the story from the beginning. This is the main thing I took away from the workshop of my story with Robert Stone. I need to challenge myself, make the story more difficult, so the opening doesn’t lead directly to the outcome. In my story as currently written, there could be only one outcome, and this makes the story predictable and boring. (see number 1)

3) Writers can win readers over by their appearances on panels and in readings. I knew absolutely nothing about Gary Shteyngart (Super Sad True Love Story) before Key West, but after hearing him read and discuss his work, I’ll be reading his book. The same goes for Colson Whitehead (Zone One), even though his book has zombies in it and I’m not really into zombies. The entire group of writers, really, blew me away. You can hear them yourself once the KWLS podcasts are online. (Make sure you listen to everything with Margaret Atwood.) You’ll even be able to hear my reading, I think.

4) All writers get a little nervous before an appearance. Or maybe George Saunders just told me that to be kind. But what he said (and he is a fabulous speaker, by the way) is that I should look at it as giving the audience a gift, as sharing something with them that no one else can give. I can’t say it made me less nervous, but I will never forget it. Oh, and if you love short fiction, read George Saunders. He’s a master.

5) Go to everything you can at a conference, no matter how exhausting the schedule. This includes readings, panels, workshops, and social events. I pretty much did everything there was to do. I heard some wonderful writers, got to know a great bunch of attendees, learned a lot about myself, and had a beautiful evening sailing on a schooner at sunset. Yes, it can be tiring, but there’s always time to rest when you get home.

Thank you Key West Literary Seminar. It was a magical week filled with people who are passionate about literature. Now I need to get back to writing. A week is a long time away from my characters, and I missed them.

Conch Republic Here I Come!

I’m posting early this week because, after 9:00 am tomorrow morning, I’ll be mostly off the internet lifeline for eight days. I’m headed to the Key West Literary Seminar, and can’t wait. Not only is Key West one of my favorite places, but the conference promises to be amazing, with gifted writers like Margaret Atwood, Billy Collins, Jennifer Egan, Michael Cunningham, Colson Whitehead, Joyce Carol Oates, and so many more.

The first four days are filled with panels on all things to do with the 2012 theme, “Yet Another World.” Then the next four days I’ll be in an advanced fiction workshop with Robert Stone. There’ll be 11 other participants in my particular workshop, and I’m so looking forward to getting their opinions and suggestions on a story I’ve struggled with for about two years. (yep, for those of you who don’t know, it can take years to perfect 15 – 20 pages of prose.)

I’m also looking forward to catching up with some of the great people I met when I was down there in May for my residency with The Studios of Key West. By the way, they’re taking applications now for 2012 – 2013 residencies. If you’re a writer or a visual artist, check it out. It’s really magical.

I’m honored to have been chosen by KWLS as the Marianne Russo Award winner for emerging writers for 2012, and will read part of the story that won me the award at the open session on Sunday. Not sure if the dog’s howling when I practice out loud means the story is really good or really bad. (Thank God he won’t be in the audience – I’m hoping most of the folks who are there will refrain from howling.) I always get nervous when I read in front of a group (there’s something so naked about reading my own work) and this is a big group, so I’m thinking cocktails and xanax beforehand.

A conference is a great way to kick off the year in writing, and where better to be than in sunny Key West with so many fabulous writers? When I post next I’ll tell you all about it. Gotta go pack now for my trip to the Conch Republic.